I've been wondering when it would happen. I think it is starting now. I think I have seen the very tippy top of the iceberg of Therese's grieving.
Last night my sweet Therese poured forth story after story about her life in Yako. These were not pleasant stories. These are the rip your heart out, no child should have witnessed, or seen stories like this. Three hours worth of stories and I got the impression there are so many more.
Therese told me that she is tired of feeling sad all the time (you would never know she feels sad at all from how she behaves). She knows that here, in America, we "talk talk talk and cry" when we are sad, but not in Yako. She said she wants to cry, but she "doesn't can't" (I love that phrase of hers!).
I reassured her that she will cry when she is ready. I told her that God gave us a way to get the sad out of our hearts, namely crying, and retelling our story. I told her that God will do amazingly wonderful things with those sad stories of hers.
Therese told me it is better to adopt a baby, because babies do not have so many sad stories as a girl who is ten. I told her that I wanted a ten year old girl and I am here to listen to her stories. I find her stories, even the sad ones, to be precious. I treasure her stories and I will help her remember the ones she wants to remember and to use the difficult ones for good. I want my ten year old girl, hard stories included, because she would not be Therese without those hard stories.
More importantly, I know a Savior who specializes in hard stories and He redeems them all if you let Him. Therese knows Him too, and many of her stories include God saving her from harm or revealing something to her that helped her save some one else.
I admit I woke up this morning feeling a little sick and incredibly daunted by the task of raising this sweet girl with too many hard stories. Lord, can I do this? His answer to me was a gentle, "No, you can't, but I CAN. Come to me and I will pour out wisdom straight from my heart".
Okay, Lord, we will do this together. You lead. I will follow.